"None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting a few months or a few years to change all the tenor of our lives."
This was the first chapter and the first quote in my new book. Do you know that I read that quote 20 times or more? Over and over and over again. The part that I kept reading was simply this, "None of us knows." None of us. Not just that "I" don't know...none of us knows. The next few days that I read this book, I analyzed so many parts of my life. I wish I could tell you that it was romantic, but it wasn't. Talk about a big, fat pity party! I was done feeling mad, now I was just sad, lonely and probably still a little bitter. Let me tell you people, sad, lonely and bitter are NEVER good company to keep. However, I'm learning now that I am grieving.....deeply. I thought about every harsh word that I said to my children or my husband....parents, friends....extended family. I thought about why I did such stupid things. I was quite disgusted with myself.
Even after I came back into the light in the past 2 years - God's light that is, it is still hard to look at myself. Ask any person in my household, I get dressed in the dark...with only the closet light on. I'm still trying to see the growing person that others around me see. I had to decide at that moment to forgive myself as I had been forgiven. I couldn't carry all that BLAH with me on this unexpected journey that I was getting ready to take. What most of us don't realize either, is that we are being prepared for change before we even see it coming. The one thing that I kept telling myself, the only blessing I could see at the time, was that this was perfect timing because Ashton and I were both treatable. We have time to treat it and monitor and manage the other areas that this disease affects. I, by no means, signed up for this but IT IS my life. I had to decide whether I was going to fight or surrender. I didn't know how to do that. I soon learned that fight and surrender came from the same place. I had to surrender my circumstances to God, so that he could help me fight.
I couldn't pray for a couple of weeks.....remember the sad, lonely and bitter company that I was keeping? When we went to church that Sunday, I almost cried walking in. Just because you are in church, doesn't mean that you always feel God there. That Sunday was emotional. I felt like every person that looked at me knew that I was diseased in some way. I had to move past it and jump in. The first thing that our pastor came up and said was this, "The need to pray is greatly on my heart this morning. I don't usually interrupt worship, but I feel the need today." He said this beautiful prayer that was MY prayer. I'm sure I wasn't the only one that needed it that morning, but it spoke to my spirit. All his prayer said is, "I don't have the words, but you know my heart." I couldn't pray because I didn't know what I needed or maybe I needed too many things and didn't know where to start. Over the next several days, it became clear what my heart was asking for. I thought I needed healing and courage. NOPE! I needed peace. You can't get through situations like this without peace. Does that mean that I am not concerned about the outcome of what is about to happen or that I don't have bad days, no. My next phase was just me going through the motions and I lived in that stage for a while.
Information about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis at: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=familialadenomatouspolyposis
This was the first chapter and the first quote in my new book. Do you know that I read that quote 20 times or more? Over and over and over again. The part that I kept reading was simply this, "None of us knows." None of us. Not just that "I" don't know...none of us knows. The next few days that I read this book, I analyzed so many parts of my life. I wish I could tell you that it was romantic, but it wasn't. Talk about a big, fat pity party! I was done feeling mad, now I was just sad, lonely and probably still a little bitter. Let me tell you people, sad, lonely and bitter are NEVER good company to keep. However, I'm learning now that I am grieving.....deeply. I thought about every harsh word that I said to my children or my husband....parents, friends....extended family. I thought about why I did such stupid things. I was quite disgusted with myself.
Even after I came back into the light in the past 2 years - God's light that is, it is still hard to look at myself. Ask any person in my household, I get dressed in the dark...with only the closet light on. I'm still trying to see the growing person that others around me see. I had to decide at that moment to forgive myself as I had been forgiven. I couldn't carry all that BLAH with me on this unexpected journey that I was getting ready to take. What most of us don't realize either, is that we are being prepared for change before we even see it coming. The one thing that I kept telling myself, the only blessing I could see at the time, was that this was perfect timing because Ashton and I were both treatable. We have time to treat it and monitor and manage the other areas that this disease affects. I, by no means, signed up for this but IT IS my life. I had to decide whether I was going to fight or surrender. I didn't know how to do that. I soon learned that fight and surrender came from the same place. I had to surrender my circumstances to God, so that he could help me fight.
I couldn't pray for a couple of weeks.....remember the sad, lonely and bitter company that I was keeping? When we went to church that Sunday, I almost cried walking in. Just because you are in church, doesn't mean that you always feel God there. That Sunday was emotional. I felt like every person that looked at me knew that I was diseased in some way. I had to move past it and jump in. The first thing that our pastor came up and said was this, "The need to pray is greatly on my heart this morning. I don't usually interrupt worship, but I feel the need today." He said this beautiful prayer that was MY prayer. I'm sure I wasn't the only one that needed it that morning, but it spoke to my spirit. All his prayer said is, "I don't have the words, but you know my heart." I couldn't pray because I didn't know what I needed or maybe I needed too many things and didn't know where to start. Over the next several days, it became clear what my heart was asking for. I thought I needed healing and courage. NOPE! I needed peace. You can't get through situations like this without peace. Does that mean that I am not concerned about the outcome of what is about to happen or that I don't have bad days, no. My next phase was just me going through the motions and I lived in that stage for a while.
Information about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis at: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=familialadenomatouspolyposis
No comments:
Post a Comment