Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lists

"Goals in writting are dreams with deadlines."

If you ask anyone that knows me well, they will tell you that in this life I have not yet learned how to fly by the seat of my pants.  I like schedules and plans and lists and organization.  I even had a conversation with someone recently and we were talking about how the lines in the floor, after vacuuming, are therapeutic and make us happy.

Lists are gratifying.  You fill them with things that you need done or want to do and then you check them off one by one.  Some of my lists still have empty check boxes, but when you finish a list, it is a major feeling of victory and accomplishment. Maybe that is why I do it.  Life can kind of wrap itself around your ankles and drag you around, but if you put your goals down on a piece of paper, it seems to loosen the rope.  It gives you a little control over what is next. Control - check.

I just started a new list.  It is titled, "Unknowns."  That list is already reaching 20 and I haven't been able to check anything off yet.  However, a very wise person that is aware of my need for lists and order told me that if I made a list of unknowns then that would be planning.  Magical words for those of us O.C.D.'ers.  My "Unknowns" list starts like this:

1.) Learn to fly by the seat of my pants. A MUST in a world of unknowns!  We never know what tomorrow may bring.




Thursday, August 4, 2011

The best teachers in the world...kids.

"The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher."


1. Try new things, even if you're scared.


2. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.


3. Don't flush the toilet when your Mom is in the shower.


4. Never ask for anything that costs more than $10.


5. If you can laugh, you can get through anything.


6. Chocolate cake fixes almost everything.


7. When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.


8. When you hear the word, "Uh-oh" it's already too late.


9. The best learning doesn't come from books.


10. Crayons and Scentsy do not remain solid on hot summer days.


11. Everyone needs a time out, sometimes.


12. Celebrate every first and every last.  No matter how big or small.


13.  Birthday's are special, no matter how old you are.


14. Honesty is always the best policy.


15. Every kiss is different.


16. Love unconditionally.  Even when it hurts.


17. A band-aid can heal skin and hearts.


18. Mom is ALWAYS right.


19. Don't touch the curling iron...period.


20. Don't grow up too fast.

Band-aids Needed

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."


I write about every other break or healed piece of my heart, but not this piece.  Maybe, it was out of fear or hope...or a little of both.  


I know you'll read this, eventually.  I don't have much left to say, except this...This is me letting you go, the only way I know how.  I pray every day that I'm not bitter and that you will find what you want and need in the world. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Butterfly on my Shoulder

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.


I have to start by saying, it is so nice to talk to people about their problems, again.  For almost a year now, most people felt like I had enough on my plate and wouldn't share their plate with me.  All the while, I was begging people to share with me because it makes your own plate of chocolate (mine ALWAYS has chocolate on it) look like carrots and peas.  Many times, helping other people out with their struggles, helps us figure out our own.  In the last several months, as I have learned of things that those dear to me and maybe not so near to me, have been going through, I have come to recognize the same constant in all the conversations.  Happiness.  That word should be a paragraph.  It says so many things.  We seek happiness, we long for it, pursue it, hope for it, pray for it, wish for it, need it, love it, fear it, don't know what to do with it, run from it. All the while, it is chasing after us.  


Happiness comes in waves or moments.  Maybe it is the butterflies that you get after a first kiss, maybe it is basking in the sun, the first time your son smiles at you, the way your daughter's hair smells. Maybe, it is from success at your job or in a sport.  We all have our own definition of the word.  No one can be happy all the time and no one can survive this world without a little bit of it at many different times.  No one can give it to you.  You can feel it with a person, but they don't define it for you.  Other times, happiness is letting go and letting be.  You can't buy it or bottle it, but you can decide to let it in.  Through all the crap that life serves, we can decide our own fate...happiness in the quiet moments, in the dark moments, in the joyful moments, in the busy moments.  It comes and it goes, but we can only make ourselves happy.  You can't reflect it onto someone else if you aren't glowing with it.


So, for a moment, come sit with me in this field of grass. Watch the beauty of the butterflies soaring around.  Leave your plate at home and just breath.  Quietly, a butterfly will land on your shoulder and sit a while.



Thursday, July 28, 2011

Lack of Crisis

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out." 


It wouldn't be fair if I only took the time to blog when I felt like what I had to say could be inspiring or refreshing. I looked up the definition of inspiring and it says, "To create a positive feeling in someone."  Everyone always tells me how inspiring I am...or how inspiring my writing is, but I don't always feel that I deserve that pretty title.  However, ANYONE that has been through, is going through, survived, conquered, barely made it out alive, from a disease, deserves to wear the title of "Inspiring." I agree.

When going through crisis - disease related, marriage related, addiction related, family related, LIFE related, we are all survivors.  Every day that we wake up becomes another notch on our survival stick.  Life is hard and messy and beautiful and long and short.  It's life, no one gets out alive.  Although, everyone is different.  Some of us, when going through trauma or crisis, put on a mask so that we can just simply survive.  We emotionally detach from our bodies.  Sometimes more is asked of us and sometimes we are allowed to let our guard down.  We have to be allowed to let our guard down.  Not only by those around us, but we have to give ourselves permission to feel.  Without it, we become numb.  Numbness is a dark, unhealthy place that we don't want to go.  It's a place that Inspiring, Fighter and Survivor go when no one else is looking.  When everyone goes back to living their lives and the immediate threat of danger isn't as near to us, we can go there.  We've just been hit by HUGE waves that nearly sank our boat, so you would think that thanking God for life alone would be the simplest of things, but it isn't.  We've dug a hole, jumped in, placed ourselves in fetal position and have decided to linger a while.

Today's blog is dedicated to those of you that have ever felt numb.  No one knows how long we may stay in that dry desert, but at some point, we will start looking for water.  That is our body's way of saying, "HELP!"  It is time to feel again.  Take the mask off, reattach your spirit to your body...eat, drink, sleep, cry, be mad, be happy, be sad...just feel.  It's alright.

Now, we have to start working after months, maybe years, of being in the desert.  We have to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker.  We aren't just surviving cancer, we are surviving life.  All you need is a shovel, but you have to be the one to dig yourself out.  That doesn't mean alone.  It just means that you have to be the one to ask for help.  Most of the people around you probably don't even realize that your spirit has been on a trip.  Your body was here, but your spirit has been hundred of miles from home, lingering, waiting for the drought to be over.  I've been there, I'm there, but I've put the shovel in the dirt because I understand that living is brave.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Caretaking 101















"Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent."


I figured that it was time to get on here and change my Easter theme.  I can't believe I've been silent this long.  I have always been a thinker, but since April, my thinker thoughts have been almost absent.  I was starting to wonder if they would ever surface again.  Amazingly, as I was  sitting on my couch this morning with a heating pad on my legs, 800mg of Advil in me, because I'm coming off all the pain medication after 10 months and my body HURTS, drinking my orange juice because I wake up with low blood sugar every morning now and my head feels like it might rattle right off, with my heart beating out of my chest...I finally had a writing thought.


My quality of life has changed.  At best, on a good day, I am 75/25.  I'm living without two very important organs.  That in itself is amazing to me, but also changes things and some days are tough.  Then, you add tumors, chemo or both into the mix, well, you have hard days.


I do have a point and it isn't, "Feel sorry for me, please, I beg of you."  It is this; we all have needs.  Some of us have more needs than others at different times in our lives.  Sometimes things happen and our needs become great.  I've been there.  I don't have to relive, revisit or rehash those days for you, you catch my drift.


First, I want to thank my own caretakers.  Your care for me is always seen, always heard and never will be forgotten.  I am blessed to have many of you.  I would also like to send the warmest of all thank you's to women and men that take care of a sick or needy child, parent, friend, spouse or sibling.  To the nurses and doctors that have made my day a little brighter with a smile, a touch, a laugh or a joke.  My heart is overflowing with fond feelings for all of you.  


I use to think it took something special within a person to be a great caretaker, but I am finding that you need only certain qualities and qualities can be learned.  


So, here is what I felt so compelled to write about this morning.  Number one; compassion.  My shoe isn't on your foot and your shoe isn't on mine, but with an ounce of compassion comes great understanding.  Along with understanding comes caring.  Whether it comes easy for you or you have to find it within yourself, you can do it.  


Number two; moments change.  I don't live my life by days or hours or minutes anymore.  I think any person that is sick in a longer than temporary fashion would tell you that their life comes in moments.  Moments change and moments are important.  They can be good and they can be bad.  They can feel well and they can be down right horrible.  So, in the bad moments, you have to decide, does this person need to hear it is going to be alright...things will get better, it isn't forever?  Do they need a big fat pity party?  Those are very important and must be allowed.  Usually they include heavy tears, snot, loud sobbing, uncontrollable irritation and sometimes bad words.  Join in that pity party, please, it is important.  Tell us what we want/need to hear...this is terrible, it isn't fair, why, why, why?  Sometimes our pity party moment turns into many moments and we need someone to rush in and save us from it.  Maybe we need a hug, kind word, realistic word...in my case it involves a new coat of nail polish on my toe nails...preferably in a salon where they use hot rocks.  Go ahead, laugh, it's alright by me.  In the good moments, rejoice with us.  On our bad days, we long and search for the good one's.  


Number three; for those of you that are in situations where you care for someone full or part time, be sure to make some of this about you.  You know why?  Because it is affecting and changing your life too.  Illness is hard on anyone and everyone that it touches.  Take a moment and pat your own back, take time for you.  Not everyone becomes bitter, but I have seen it and it is ugly.  I know people have to take care of people out of obligation to their situation sometimes, but these same things apply to you.  Don't let it make you bitter.  Talk to someone, talk to the person you are caring for if you need to.  We know we aren't an island all to ourselves, most of the time.  Don't suffer alone, because you aren't alone.  However, you are very important, loved and appreciated.


I could go on all day, but for me, those three things are on the top of my list.  It only takes an ounce of compassion...   

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Words

















"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


Most of the time, when I sit down to write I already have something on my mind that I want to say.  Today, I was pulled to sit down and write, but I don't really know what words are about to follow.


I've had five rounds of chemotherapy since September.  I'm getting ready for round six next week.  I prayed that round one was the magic number, then round two, then round three, then round four, then round five, now round six.  I've finally come to terms with the fact that my magic number will come when it is time.  In these 117 days that I've been waiting for my magic number to come, I've come to truly understand the meaning of certain words and the roll that they play together.


Tumor:  An abnormal growth of tissue resulting from uncontrolled, progressive multiplication of cells that serves no purpose.


Oncologist:  The branch of medicine that deals with tumors, including study of their development, diagnosis, treatment and prevention.


Patient:  One who receives medical attention, care or treatment.


Fear:  To be uneasy or apprehensive about something.


Cry:  To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow or pain; weep.


Chemotherapy:  The treatment of disease using chemical agents or drugs that are toxic to the causative agent of the disease.


Family:  A group of individuals derived from a common stock.


Friend:  A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.


God:  A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship.


Faith:  Confident belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of a person, idea or thing.


Strength:  The power to resist attack.


Fight:  To strive vigorously or resolutely. 


Pain:  An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.


Life:  The physical, mental and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.


Journey:  The act of traveling from one place to another.


They may only be words, but they describe my journey.  Some days it is sunny and 72 degrees.  Some days it is below freezing.  Some days there are high winds and it stirs the dust around.  Some days there are storms with thunder, hail and lightening.  I've been told that after a huge storm, there is a rainbow, so I keep walking along this dirt road where sometimes I have to hide in the ditch to stay safe from the storm, sometimes I have to start a fire to stay warm, sometimes I get to smell the flowers because the sun is out and shinning on my face.  I'll keep walking down this road through all the weather until I find my rainbow.  Instead of anxiously looking for a pot of gold, I will be looking for my life where everyone that I love is waiting to embrace me because I fought vigorously and won.