Words

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


Most of the time, when I sit down to write I already have something on my mind that I want to say.  Today, I was pulled to sit down and write, but I don't really know what words are about to follow.


I've had five rounds of chemotherapy since September.  I'm getting ready for round six next week.  I prayed that round one was the magic number, then round two, then round three, then round four, then round five, now round six.  I've finally come to terms with the fact that my magic number will come when it is time.  In these 117 days that I've been waiting for my magic number to come, I've come to truly understand the meaning of certain words and the roll that they play together.


Tumor:  An abnormal growth of tissue resulting from uncontrolled, progressive multiplication of cells that serves no purpose.


Oncologist:  The branch of medicine that deals with tumors, including study of their development, diagnosis, treatment and prevention.


Patient:  One who receives medical attention, care or treatment.


Fear:  To be uneasy or apprehensive about something.


Cry:  To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow or pain; weep.


Chemotherapy:  The treatment of disease using chemical agents or drugs that are toxic to the causative agent of the disease.


Family:  A group of individuals derived from a common stock.


Friend:  A person whom one knows, likes and trusts.


God:  A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship.


Faith:  Confident belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of a person, idea or thing.


Strength:  The power to resist attack.


Fight:  To strive vigorously or resolutely. 


Pain:  An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.


Life:  The physical, mental and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.


Journey:  The act of traveling from one place to another.


They may only be words, but they describe my journey.  Some days it is sunny and 72 degrees.  Some days it is below freezing.  Some days there are high winds and it stirs the dust around.  Some days there are storms with thunder, hail and lightening.  I've been told that after a huge storm, there is a rainbow, so I keep walking along this dirt road where sometimes I have to hide in the ditch to stay safe from the storm, sometimes I have to start a fire to stay warm, sometimes I get to smell the flowers because the sun is out and shinning on my face.  I'll keep walking down this road through all the weather until I find my rainbow.  Instead of anxiously looking for a pot of gold, I will be looking for my life where everyone that I love is waiting to embrace me because I fought vigorously and won.