Unfolded Wings

“It is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings."

Whether it was my environment, situation, another person that didn't agree with who I was or my own thoughts about myself, I've never been able to allow myself to fly.  I've felt the tremendous need of flight tugging at my broken wings since I was a teenager. However, have always felt that I was a caged bird looking at the world through captivity.  Low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiety, choices, fear, hurt, doubt and bitterness have held me in my cage for 22 years.  I've never accepted or loved myself for who I am, and because of that, I thought I didn't possess the qualities needed to soar.

For the most part, I have NOT agreed with the statement that our mistakes make us who we are and brought us to where we've landed.  I've always been too filled with guilt and bitterness about my own mistakes, and mistakes of others,  to understand that in life we should always do our best, but we are human and to be human is to sometimes figure things out the hard way.  When someone would talk to me about, or speak on,  forgiving yourself, I immediately closed my ears and mind to it.  If I forgive myself that means I have to say that everything I did is alright...and to me, it isn't.  No, I didn't make the best choices at times and I have a mountain of mistakes behind me, but the biggest one is holding on to and counting them.  Due to that mountain of mistakes weighing my wings down, I've made decisions that were intended to, in some way, correct the wrong that I did. Only then, I seemed to make things worse.  It wasn't until this weekend that I was hit with this  enormous life epiphany that has completely rocked my world and made me look at life in a new and brighter light.

This weekend my ex-husband was in town to see the kids and take Emma to the Princess-Papa Ball.  It's a tradition that we started when she was little and I was very happy to know that she wouldn't miss it this year with him living out of state.  Nothing went right from the time that he walked into the airport in South Carolina.  With several flight changes due to weather and delayed planes, he finally made it to Dallas.  He was unable to get a rental car and I ended up having to spend the day with him and Emma trying to get everything done for the Ball.  It was a long day that ended up having many unexpected rewards.  My sweet princess made it to the Ball and I gained a mountain of closure.

When things hurt, like most people,  I try to avoid them.  My ex-husband is one of those areas in my life.  Being painfully honest, I was not looking forward to being in his company for that many hours.  Anxiety filled, I put my best mama smile and semi-big girl panties on so that Emma wouldn't be uncomfortable with the two of us.  It is sad that the presence of one person can cause such an unease and ache in your stomach.  Through the course of the day, it began to get easier.  It really had little to do with what he or I were doing or saying.  It had more to do with the fact that God was relentlessly speaking to my heart. The conversation went something like this:

God:  Jessica, why do you hate this man that you once said you loved and cherished, shared 13 years of your life and brought beautiful children into the world with?  

Me:  Really?  You really asked me that? *shaking my head*

God:  Let me restate my question.  Why do you hate him TODAY?  You can't control who he is or what he does.  You can't make him whole or be who you want him to be.  That's for him to decide.  Why do you hate him when, along the journey that you two shared together, you learned who you are and who you strive to be? 

Me:  I don't know who I am.  I don't like who I am.  I'm an over emotional, sensitive, anxious, impatient, empathetic hot mess that gets my feelings hurt at every turn and worries non-stop about what other people think or do.  I'm annoying at best.

God:  But you DON'T  know who you are, huh?

Me:  Maybe I've figured it out, but I don't like it.  

God:  You, my uniquely made daughter, were given those traits as gifts.  They were meant to help you love people when they were unlovable, build people up when they are down, speak to them when no one else notices them.  They were made to help you endure and forgive. They were given to you so that at some point when you stopped being able to see how beautifully made that you are, that you would forgive and love yourself.  You are exactly who I want you to be.  You are exactly where I want you to be. I've placed you in this spot in life, and you're happy!  You grew into this person that you are and while you were maturing and growing, I placed people in your life to help you learn what was right, what was wrong, what hurts, what makes you happy...you've learned what love is and what love isn't.  Let me ask you again, why do you hate him? 

Me:  I don't hate him.  He hurt me, broke me, made me less than.  In the process, I made bad choices.  I can't go back and fix it, I can't make it better...and I certainly can not forgive him or myself.  

God:  That marriage made you wise.  It prepared you for what was waiting for you.  All this time you thought your wings were broken, but they only needed to be unfolded. I gave you two wings, a left and a right.  When one was in pain, the other was your healing.  When one had sorrow, the other comforted.  When one felt no one cared, the other loved. Birds and butterflies can't fly without two wings.  Just like you can't fly with folded wings. I made you an eagle.  Only you have locked yourself in a cage, but you are meant to fly free above it all.

Later that night, I was quickly overwhelmed with emotion over what had happened that day.  Then, the  left wing began to unfold...and then the right.  I felt the weight of bitterness towards myself and my ex-husband be lifted.  Suddenly, I knew that tomorrow had great things in store for me because I'm not in danger of falling off the cliff.  I can open my wings and soar. For the first time in 37 years, I actually BELIEVE that everything has a purpose, a reason and a season.  I understand why there were tears, heartache and pain.  It happened so that when I came to this place, this happy place with my husband and children, I wouldn't miss it by being unforgiving and bitter towards myself or anyone else.  Instead, I can love and enjoy it with peace of mind and unfolded wings.