Lack of Crisis

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out." 


It wouldn't be fair if I only took the time to blog when I felt like what I had to say could be inspiring or refreshing. I looked up the definition of inspiring and it says, "To create a positive feeling in someone."  Everyone always tells me how inspiring I am...or how inspiring my writing is, but I don't always feel that I deserve that pretty title.  However, ANYONE that has been through, is going through, survived, conquered, barely made it out alive, from a disease, deserves to wear the title of "Inspiring." I agree.

When going through crisis - disease related, marriage related, addiction related, family related, LIFE related, we are all survivors.  Every day that we wake up becomes another notch on our survival stick.  Life is hard and messy and beautiful and long and short.  It's life, no one gets out alive.  Although, everyone is different.  Some of us, when going through trauma or crisis, put on a mask so that we can just simply survive.  We emotionally detach from our bodies.  Sometimes more is asked of us and sometimes we are allowed to let our guard down.  We have to be allowed to let our guard down.  Not only by those around us, but we have to give ourselves permission to feel.  Without it, we become numb.  Numbness is a dark, unhealthy place that we don't want to go.  It's a place that Inspiring, Fighter and Survivor go when no one else is looking.  When everyone goes back to living their lives and the immediate threat of danger isn't as near to us, we can go there.  We've just been hit by HUGE waves that nearly sank our boat, so you would think that thanking God for life alone would be the simplest of things, but it isn't.  We've dug a hole, jumped in, placed ourselves in fetal position and have decided to linger a while.

Today's blog is dedicated to those of you that have ever felt numb.  No one knows how long we may stay in that dry desert, but at some point, we will start looking for water.  That is our body's way of saying, "HELP!"  It is time to feel again.  Take the mask off, reattach your spirit to your body...eat, drink, sleep, cry, be mad, be happy, be sad...just feel.  It's alright.

Now, we have to start working after months, maybe years, of being in the desert.  We have to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker.  We aren't just surviving cancer, we are surviving life.  All you need is a shovel, but you have to be the one to dig yourself out.  That doesn't mean alone.  It just means that you have to be the one to ask for help.  Most of the people around you probably don't even realize that your spirit has been on a trip.  Your body was here, but your spirit has been hundred of miles from home, lingering, waiting for the drought to be over.  I've been there, I'm there, but I've put the shovel in the dirt because I understand that living is brave.

Caretaking 101

"Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent."


I figured that it was time to get on here and change my Easter theme.  I can't believe I've been silent this long.  I have always been a thinker, but since April, my thinker thoughts have been almost absent.  I was starting to wonder if they would ever surface again.  Amazingly, as I was  sitting on my couch this morning with a heating pad on my legs, 800mg of Advil in me, because I'm coming off all the pain medication after 10 months and my body HURTS, drinking my orange juice because I wake up with low blood sugar every morning now and my head feels like it might rattle right off, with my heart beating out of my chest...I finally had a writing thought.


My quality of life has changed.  At best, on a good day, I am 75/25.  I'm living without two very important organs.  That in itself is amazing to me, but also changes things and some days are tough.  Then, you add tumors, chemo or both into the mix, well, you have hard days.


I do have a point and it isn't, "Feel sorry for me, please, I beg of you."  It is this; we all have needs.  Some of us have more needs than others at different times in our lives.  Sometimes things happen and our needs become great.  I've been there.  I don't have to relive, revisit or rehash those days for you, you catch my drift.


First, I want to thank my own caretakers.  Your care for me is always seen, always heard and never will be forgotten.  I am blessed to have many of you.  I would also like to send the warmest of all thank you's to women and men that take care of a sick or needy child, parent, friend, spouse or sibling.  To the nurses and doctors that have made my day a little brighter with a smile, a touch, a laugh or a joke.  My heart is overflowing with fond feelings for all of you.  


I use to think it took something special within a person to be a great caretaker, but I am finding that you need only certain qualities and qualities can be learned.  


So, here is what I felt so compelled to write about this morning.  Number one; compassion.  My shoe isn't on your foot and your shoe isn't on mine, but with an ounce of compassion comes great understanding.  Along with understanding comes caring.  Whether it comes easy for you or you have to find it within yourself, you can do it.  


Number two; moments change.  I don't live my life by days or hours or minutes anymore.  I think any person that is sick in a longer than temporary fashion would tell you that their life comes in moments.  Moments change and moments are important.  They can be good and they can be bad.  They can feel well and they can be down right horrible.  So, in the bad moments, you have to decide, does this person need to hear it is going to be alright...things will get better, it isn't forever?  Do they need a big fat pity party?  Those are very important and must be allowed.  Usually they include heavy tears, snot, loud sobbing, uncontrollable irritation and sometimes bad words.  Join in that pity party, please, it is important.  Tell us what we want/need to hear...this is terrible, it isn't fair, why, why, why?  Sometimes our pity party moment turns into many moments and we need someone to rush in and save us from it.  Maybe we need a hug, kind word, realistic word...in my case it involves a new coat of nail polish on my toe nails...preferably in a salon where they use hot rocks.  Go ahead, laugh, it's alright by me.  In the good moments, rejoice with us.  On our bad days, we long and search for the good one's.  


Number three; for those of you that are in situations where you care for someone full or part time, be sure to make some of this about you.  You know why?  Because it is affecting and changing your life too.  Illness is hard on anyone and everyone that it touches.  Take a moment and pat your own back, take time for you.  Not everyone becomes bitter, but I have seen it and it is ugly.  I know people have to take care of people out of obligation to their situation sometimes, but these same things apply to you.  Don't let it make you bitter.  Talk to someone, talk to the person you are caring for if you need to.  We know we aren't an island all to ourselves, most of the time.  Don't suffer alone, because you aren't alone.  However, you are very important, loved and appreciated.


I could go on all day, but for me, those three things are on the top of my list.  It only takes an ounce of compassion...