March of last year is when we set my surgery date. Everything sort of became a fog after that for me. I feel like I missed Spring, Summer and Fall for sure. Winter starts to become a little clearer.
It's been a challenging and changing year for my family. Not only because of the health issues, but my marriage and my family have endured and survived circumstances that some don't. I think it's called grace. I don't like that we've had to go through it and that we are still pushing on through it, but it has been such a learning time. I wish that someone on the outside could step in for a minute, not to walk a mile in my shoes (or lack of, I don't care for shoes that much), but to feel the wounds healing. To feel the hope that I have for our lives.
I've talked so much about pain, suffering, loss and sadness. Now, I feel like I can begin to talk about hope, healing, miracles, grace and love. What I didn't know until I arrived at this certain place, is that without one you can not have the other. Life happens and life can be down right brutal, but God is good and He is good ALL THE TIME!
I use to think that you couldn't really be honest with God about ALL of your feelings. You couldn't tell Him that you were angry or disappointed or upset...with Him. Although, He knows our hearts anyway. You don't have to speak it for it to be so. One day, my Father said to me, "Jessica, I didn't want this for you. I don't want you to suffer or be in pain. I don't want you to feel unloved or not cared for. I'm crying with you, I'm feeling your pain as if it were my own. I feel your fear, but do not fear because I am with you. You couldn't feel me beside you because I was holding you in my arms." He carried me through the pounding rain and the heavy winds and he continues to carry me through each break in the storm.
I am a hopeless, hopeless romantic...bless Bill's heart! I'm a tough cookie to deal with in that department. The good thing for me is that God is too. He can see the romance and beauty in everything and in every circumstance. He not only believes in us, but he knows that our Spring season is just around the corner. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shinning and skies are blue. The rain that falls will help the flowers grow and the grass turn green. My prayer today is that God's rain will be refreshing when it hits your skin and helps you grow from the ground towards the sunny, blue sky. However, when our season changes, He will be there helping you weather the changes until your Spring comes around again.
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