Goodbye For Now

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

I can not believe how fast these 4 weeks have flown by! It has gone by like the speed of light. I feel like I have not accomplished near what I needed to, but there are only so many hours in the day. I know the question that everyone has been asking is, "How are you doing with the surgery right around the corner?" Well, I don't really know. All I can tell you is that I'm ready. My bag is packed and ready to go. I don't even think Bill is going to have to tie me down and take me, like I thought he would. You shouldn't hold your breath on that one though, Tuesday morning at 4am may come with a different emotion.

This will probably be my last post for a few weeks, so I wanted to leave you with a few things to think about. Actually, do yourself a favor and do more than think about them, give them a try.

Today, hug your spouse and your children or loved ones....tight. Tell them 100 times how wonderful they are and what they mean to you. Tomorrow, tell them a 101 times. I have two boys and one dramatic little girl and I know some days it seems hard to do. I have a teenager that challenges me at every turn, an 8 year old that is demanding my attention at this phase in his life and he will try just about anything to get it. I have a daughter that is jealous of the other two and the dog when it comes to my time. Add that all into a day and you might think that you don't have the time or energy to get it all in. We take for granted how blessed we are to have healthy, happy kids, whether they have a smart mouth on them or not. Sometimes we miss those little moments because the house is dirty and the dishes aren't done. We assume that they must know how we feel about them because we are their parents. Also, I know that sometimes I assume because they are getting older, they don't need me as much.

The big things in life have now become the small things in my life. None of us knows at what moment we won't have another because tomorrow isn't promised to us, only today. If you struggle with the big things, ask God for a change of heart and I have no doubt that he will answer your prayer. Like the quote above says, it's a matter of how you look at it. Let your heart feel different today and let your eyes focus on the meadow instead of the mountain. When the kids won't listen or your boss is being tough, when your paycheck isn't stretching far enough and your car needs new tires.....remember that taking those situations away is only relief for the moment, but looking at your situation with a different set of eyes is a cure.

"Humility is perfect quietness of heart, It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and kneel to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble."

Information about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis at: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=familialadenomatouspolyposis

In the Beginning

"A journey may be long or short, but it must start at the very spot one finds oneself."

I thought my journey started in December when we found out about this disease, was I ever wrong! I think for the past 4 months I have been packing my bags and getting ready for the trip. I'm sure many of you would agree that we think the journey begins at the very moment that our circumstances did, but I don't see it that way now.

I woke up this morning and there was light. Just so you all know, my light has always been pink. Hence, the name of the blog. Since I was a little girl and we would sing, "This Little Light of Mine," I imagined that my little light was bright pink. This is going to be emotional to explain because trying to describe how I feel today isn't easy. There isn't one word that is grand enough to express my emotions. It has been so dark and cloudy lately, I could not see a grain sized speck of light. I think it was because I know the hard part is coming and I haven't accepted my circumstances yet. Therefore, there is no relief to be found. I've just had a big ball of anticipation growing inside of me.

I have to say again, that I would not be in the place that I am today if I didn't have the support and kind words of friends and family. I've said before that I deal with low self image on a regular basis. Isn't that one of the hardest struggles to defeat? I have let the opinions of only a few people dictate who I thought I was over the years. As I began to accept those false thoughts, I started to accept negative thoughts about life. I began to think that I deserved certain things that happened to me and instead of fighting, I backed down. You never want to accept defeat. Today when I saw the light coming in through the clouds, I started to see myself again. It's a cloudy day and there is a chance of rain, but the rain smells so good because I can breathe again. I decided to put negative opinions that other's have aside because that is not who I am. I have let those negative influences tell me that I'm not good enough, kind enough, generous enough, smart enough or loved enough. I shed that layer of skin and put on a whole new one. It is so easy to loose sight of the bigger picture. Life can be so humbling and circumstances remind us of who we are or who we want to be. We can't sit around and wait to become the person that we are destined to be, we have to jump in and get started. My journey began today as I traded in the scared little girl card for a strong, faithful woman deck! Acceptance is GOOOOD! It is comfortable and fits well, like a great pair jeans.

There is a song on my playlist right now that is a powerful and moving song. If you haven't heard it before, I'm posting the link so you can listen to it. I'll also give you the words. This song says everything about my new beginning and maybe yours...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aley9_d8vrE

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I'm not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn't looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I've never known
That I've never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
In my life

Information about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis at: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=familialadenomatouspolyposis

Thank Goodness for Support

"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice."

I found that quote the other day. While it is cute, it also meant something else to me. It reminded me that we are none of those things alone. I'm the worst at not asking for help, which is why my friends and family have been so wonderful by not making me ask.

I know this saying is old, but you find out who is really there for you in times like this. You are able to see the side of people that you normally wouldn't see. Every day has taught me something new about someone else, not just myself.

I prayed that God would meet my needs during this time...and he has. He gave me peace within myself and he also met my needs by surrounding me with people that could help before I even knew what I needed.

There are a couple of people that I talk to on a daily basis right now that give me encouragement and support through their words. There are the few that I call and cry to, when I need to. There is someone that I call when I just don't want to talk about it and they know that I need to sit and talk about Grey's Anatomy instead...because I'm so elated that Meredith and McDreamy are getting married and will hopefully have little McMer-Der's - yes, I think the writers on the show should use that one. There are people that have helped me with the things I need for the hospital, offered help at the hospital, after I'm home, help with my kids, with meals.....there are little acts of kindness that I'm sure people had no idea would mean so much, but it did. I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to be there during my surgery...it is going to be a long day, but everyone that has decided to be there, it has put me more at ease. You all know who you are and there isn't a big enough thank you in the world that could express how thankful I am for all of these things. So many people would think that it has to suck to me right now, but I think it would suck not to be me.

Information about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis at: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=familialadenomatouspolyposis