Two weeks from today, it will be a year since I completed my last rounds of chemotherapy. I can't even believe that. It's amazing how it all seems just like yesterday, but at the same time, feels like it was another life.
I was told by everyone that has been through chemo that afterwards I wouldn't be the same mentally or physically. You can't help but to be changed. How it changes you is what is important.
A year ago I had lost my entire large intestine (colon, appendix, rectum, anus). I had four large tumors and I still had two kidneys. My right kidney was not functioning on its own due to one of the tumors. I had a line draining out of it into a bag so that it would stop swelling and would help with my tremendous pain. Another tumor had liquefied and was causing all kinds of issues and pain. I had a line draining it into a bag from the front. I had a port-a-cath in my chest with lines hooked up to it so that I could get chemo, fluids and blood. I weighed right under a 100 pounds and I didn't have a single hair on my body. The hair on my head, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hairs, ear hairs...gone. My toenails were falling off one by one due to the chemotherapy. I couldn't taste food because of the effect on my taste buds. I could barely eat anyway due to all the ulcers and the mess that it had made of my digestive system. I was on constant antibiotics, nausea medication, pain pills, pain patches, anxiety medication, medication for depression, migraines and ulcers. I didn't have a bit of energy or strength.
I, unfortunately, did not have the support or unconditional love of an important person that was close to me at that time. I felt the need to share that at this point because I need to speak about bravery. Every single person with cancer is brave. You are fighting for your life. You fight for one more minute with those that you love. I can't tell you how many times I prayed...begged and pleaded with God that he help me get through one more minute because I couldn't leave my precious babies yet. Bravery is knowing that you are going to suffer for an undetermined amount of time, yet, you still show up every single day and go through it for a CHANCE at a longer life. It is important to me that every person going through the agony of cancer and cancer treatment is thought of as a mighty warrior, yet treated as a delicate flower.
Today, I have one less kidney and four much smaller tumors. The only medications that I need are something to continue to treat the ulcers and over the counter pain reliever. I have with great amazement watched my hair come back. Daily, I can see more. It's so liberating to see the growth. I feel like with every single hair I gain something back - healing, dignity, courage, patience, happiness, forgiveness, caution, laughter, joy and time. Today, I am in love, loved, enjoying the people in my life and cherishing every moment.
Cancer has taught me that life is too short to be afraid and too long to be angry and hurt. It isn't life if you aren't living. We weren't made to sit on the sidelines. We are precious and we have a purpose. I've learned that love is not something you are given, it is something that you give. It's more than feelings, it's actions. You can't say it too much, but you can show it too little.
Several people joke with me about some things that I've done since chemo. Maybe it isn't the things that I've done, but my lack of fear...unless you're a bug. My experience will never be far from my mind and I would be lying if I said that I'm not concerned every day that I'll have to live it again, but everything, all of the suffering that I have endured, brought me here. I'm changed in every way.
